I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. I cannot really say why it has been on my mind so much, but maybe there is some kind of reason for it, and I keep thinking if I share it maybe it will help someone.
So...
I am going to get a little personal...
A few years ago I went through a life changing event. I was angry. I felt guilty for something someone else had done. I still do on occasion. I felt like it was up to me to make it right even though it was not my fault. It was not my problem to fix, but I felt like it was. I carried the weight and the guilt for this person I knew did something terrible. I think because I knew they had no idea how badly they had hurt people, and how awful their actions were.
I was never very close with my dad. I tried to be, and I wanted more than anything for us to be close. I could never talk to him, and I never felt comfortable around him.
I was always the one making the effort to be close to him, and when we did not talk for several months it was always "my fault". I always hoped for a good relationship with him, and just a few years ago I realized that was never going to happen. I also learned the reason why he was never able to be close to anybody.
I was crushed. I was angry. I felt guilty for what he had done.
I still loved him, and I felt sorry for him.
I felt sorry for him that his life ended.
He did not die, but in a way it felt like he did.
I have a hard time saying what he did, so if you are really curious you can Google it.
Unfortunately you can find it there.
It is hard for me to hear people talk about people who did the same thing he did.
They called him a monster and evil.
People said he should be tortured and killed for what he did.
It is hard to hear people say those kind of things about someone you love, even though you know what they did is horrible.
At the end of the day I still love him.
I understand why they say what they do. I myself said things like that until my own dad did it, and then I realized there is a whole line of people who love that person.
They have parents, spouses, children, and friends who all have to deal with the actions of that person.
That does not make what that person did excusable by any means.
It just made me see the situation in a new light.
I know what he did is wrong. I personally think it is the worst thing a person can do.
I think he should spend the rest of his life where he is. I feel like that is where he needs to be for what he did.
Yet, I still feel sorry for him, and I still love him.
I do not talk to him anymore, but it is not because I am angry at him. I was angry, but I forgave him.
He was negative energy in my life, and I feel at peace now that I do not have to worry about getting another hateful letter in the mail from him.
My point is, I forgave him.
I let go of EVERYTHING he had done, and I forgave him.
I had to, for myself.
That does not mean I need to let him back into my life.
I still think about him all the time, and I hope he is doing okay. I hope one day he realizes what he did was extremely wrong.
I wish his life was different, but he made his choices and he needs to pay the consequences for his actions.
You can let things drag you down, and I will admit for awhile I let this drag me down. I went through a phase where I did not want to get married or have kids, because I felt like I could not trust anyone. I felt like if my dad could do something so horrible and hide it that anybody could. I would be in a room full of people and I would just sit there and wonder what kind of bad things they do that nobody knows about. I would try to analyze people's actions.
I felt like everybody had hidden motives, and nobody was truthful.
I did not trust anyone.
I started doing things I normally would not do. I got a tattoo on my wrist which was completely out of character for me. I tried moving out on my own. I was trying to chase away all my hurt and deal with everything, but I did not know how. Nothing I did helped me.
I could not understand how someone could do such a thing, especially someone I knew and loved.
I had people I loved turn their backs on me when I needed them the most.
They said hateful things thinking they were helping me, but I really just felt worse afterwards.
I was acting out, I needed help, but I just did not know how to ask for it.
I felt like nobody understood, because nobody I knew had gone through anything like this.
I did not like to talk about it because people did not know what to say, and I felt like it just made them feel uncomfortable.
It was more of a touchy subject for them than it was for me.
People forget about your hard times after a little while, but you never forget. It gets harder and harder for you to talk about it with someone as time goes on, because they think you should be over it.
I am not trying to make my actions sounds innocent, because I know at the time I was a pain for people I loved to deal with.
I started going to the gym. A lot. Twice a day for hours at a time. I never missed a day. I had two memberships so I could go before work and after work.
I found something positive.
It was a way for me to deal with what I needed to deal with. I could clear my mind. It helped me gain a better attitude towards people. Including the ones who hurt me.
My life started to go in a better direction.
All those thoughts I had about people being shady and having hidden motives went away.
I did not think that was fair to people.
There is good in everyone. Even the people who make terrible choices.
There is a reason people act the way they do.
I learned to be more understanding of people. I choose to believe that when someone treats me badly it is often out of their own insecurities, and not because of something I did wrong.
I learned to forgive more easily, even when people were not sorry, and even without an apology.
A grudge is a heavy thing to carry on your shoulders.
I think people often think if they forgive someone they have to let them back into their lives, but you do not have to.
Be nice to them, acknowledge them, and treat them with respect when you see them.
You do not have to be close to them, but do treat them like a person.
~ Keep Your Sweetness.
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My mom gave this to me when everything was going on
with my dad. She said, "no matter what happens to us, we always
bounce back up."
It is a great little symbol and reminder of that.
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