The Side You Don't See

Warning:

This post is a little raw and honest.
 

I felt like I had everything to be happy about but I just was not.

I just had my baby, and I was supposed to be happy.

I knew postpartum depression was possible,

but I figured I just had a case of the baby blues.

 

I had never had a baby before, so I really was not sure what was

normal and what was not.
 

I cried everyday, alone.

I felt worthless. I felt like I had nothing to offer anyone.

I felt like my baby would be fine without me.

I knew it was normal to have crazy emotions right after having a baby.

I did not know some of what I was feeling, however, was not normal.

There was the normal "adjustment" period we went through.

All the hype of the new baby wore off of everyone,

and then it was just us trying to adjust to our new life.

I cried...

A lot.

Over nothing.
Over everything.

All the time.

 

I felt like a horrible mom for feeling sad.

I wanted to be happy and I wanted to be everything my baby needed me to be.

I told myself how lucky I was to be this baby's mom,

but then I would think he deserves better.

Why did he choose me?

 

 

I did not want to talk about it because I felt guilty for feeling like that.

I felt like I was supposed to be happy and people would

look down on me because I was not.

I was supposed to fall into this new role and perfect it.

I was supposed to be a good mom and wife.

I am having a hard time even writing about this, because I honestly have not

even talked about it.

 

I felt tired. Not the kind of sleepy tired.

The kind where you just want to lay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing.

 

 

I started to realize that was not normal.

I made myself get ready in the morning, because that was normal.

I made myself try to get out of the house, because that was normal.

I tried to do everything that was normal, but I still did not feel normal.

At my 6 week postpartum appointment.

I sat there talking to my doctor trying not to burst into tears the whole time.

Then she asked me how I was feeling emotion wise,

and I lost it.

 

 

I started bawling right there in the doctors office.

I felt so embarrassed for crying and feeling like I did.

She was very comforting, her whole demeanor changed and she explained

postpartum depression to me.  

She started me on an anti-depressant, which I hated.
I did not want to take medicine, but I wanted to get better before I got worse for my baby.
Luckily I never felt like hurting my baby.
I am thankful for never feeling like that.


The medicine took awhile to kick in, but it definitely helped!
I tried weaning off of it a couple months after, but I was not ready yet.
I still have a hard time with it sometimes, but it is getting better.
I just hope by sharing this (it is hard for me to share)
it will help someone get help or at least talk about it with someone.


I am truly so happy and feel so blessed that Grayson choose me to be
his momma. I cannot remember what life was like without him.

 

I love this little peanut more than he will ever know!